The Waiting Game

So I had a breast ultrasound on the 11th following a mammogram. Technically, this was my second. Had the mammogram, doctor recommended an ultrasound. Had that, and they said they saw cysts but that they don’t look cancerous. So “come back in 6 months and we’ll check again to see if there’s any difference in size.” We’ll I didn’t want to wait 6 months so I made my appointment for three months. That was January and I couldn’t afford it then. I had to wait until I got my tax return.

So the 11th ended up being 5 months.

I’ve tried not to think about the whole thing because there was nothing I could do until the appointment. Now that I’ve done that, there’s nothing I can do until the results are in. However, I’ve been stressing myself sick on the “what-if” of it all for some time now. I was able to put it on the back burner until my appointment the other day. Now I’m back to being so anxious about it that I haven’t been sleeping. Even with a sleeping pill.

I’ve heard from many people that an ultrasound after mammogram happens to quite a few women, and it’s easier to see what’s going on with it. Sure. Fine. Ok. But my mother was murdered by breast cancer so I’m definitely on edge. More than on edge…I’m teetering while leaning over the edge with the rocky bits crumbling beneath my feet, and a very strong wind at my back.

I can’t stop crying. My head hurts so much. I miss my mother.

I’m scared.

Remember LiveJournal?

LOL, well I just found mine that I made 9 years ago. The last time I posted was 8 years ago.

Anyway, here’s what I wrote that day. I remember this event, and looking back it was hilarious. Not so much at the time though..


08 November 2010 @ 10:00 pm

“So here I am on a Monday. The only day during the week that I have off (with the exception of Sunday) I ran errands, made phone calls and basically did what I needed to do before having to pick up my girls from school. I even went to the hardware store and got a part to not only fix my running toilet, but to save water as well.  I went home and installed it and it looks uber cool right? right! and it was super easy right? right! But then I noticed it was a tight squeeze from the new contraption and my fill valve thingie & since the directions on the new contraption said they shouldn’t be touching in any way…I went to scootch it over a bit. I heard a “pop”  then WHOOSH! water was spewing out of the fill valve thingie and I’m being soaked in cold toilet water. Now yes of course I know it’s clean water, but i’m thinking (&screaming in my head) TOILETWATERTOILETWATERTOILETWATER!!! So my stress level sky rocketed. I ran down to the garage to turn off the water while my 15 year old was holding the cap thingie on the fill valve thingie to @ least stop the water a little bit. My 12 year old was oblivious as she was on the computer watching a movie with her headphones in. So anyway, i turned off the water and all was well right? Nope because now i have no water anywhere. So I went back to the garage to turn the water back on. Now I’m sitting backwards on the closed toilet facing the tank, still wet and still holding the cap down so the entire bathroom doesn’t flood, when I filled my head with expletives and put my head down on the glass shelving unit just above the toilet. I opened my eyes cursing the makers of the new contraption thingie when i saw a little knob attached to the wall behind the toilet. So i turned it. And guess what? the water stopped! Then (with perfect timing) my 12 year old comes into the bathroom. “Dude, what happened?!”  So I’ve banned everyone from that bathroom until I can buy another fill valve thingie in the next couple of days.So I have a headache from my ordeal and was totally bitchy for about 15 minutes afterwards, but overall,  the new contraption looks great!!”