Thing2

I love that the first thing my daughter thinks of when I tell her something like this, is to check my horoscope. šŸ’œ

I love this kid so much

Advertisements

Remember LiveJournal?

LOL, well I just found mine that I made 9 years ago. The last time I posted was 8 years ago.

Anyway, here’s what I wrote that day. I remember this event, and looking back it was hilarious. Not so much at the time though..

 

08 November 2010 @ 10:00 pm

“So here I am on a Monday. The only day during the week that I have off (with the exception of Sunday) IĀ ran errands, made phone calls and basically did what I needed to do before having to pick up my girls from school. IĀ even went to the hardware store and got a part to not only fix my running toilet, but to save water as well.Ā  I went home and installed it and it looks uber cool right? right! and it was super easy right? right! But then I noticed it was a tight squeeze from the new contraption and my fill valve thingie & since the directions on the new contraption said they shouldn’t be touching in any way…I went to scootch it over a bit. I heard a “pop”Ā  then WHOOSH! water was spewing out of the fill valve thingie and I’m being soaked in cold toilet water. Now yes of course I know it’s clean water, but i’m thinking (&screaming in my head) TOILETWATERTOILETWATERTOILETWATER!!! So my stress level sky rocketed. IĀ ran down to the garage to turn off the water while my 15 year old was holding the cap thingie on the fill valve thingie to @ least stop the water a little bit. My 12 year old was oblivious as she was on the computer watching a movie with her headphones in. So anyway, i turned off the water and all was well right? Nope because now i have no water anywhere. So IĀ went back to the garage to turn the water back on. Now I’m sitting backwards on the closed toilet facing the tank,Ā still wet and still holding the cap down so the entire bathroom doesn’t flood, when I filled my head with expletives and put my head down on the glass shelving unit just above the toilet. IĀ opened my eyes cursing the makers of the new contraption thingie when i saw a little knob attached to the wall behind the toilet. So i turned it. And guess what? the water stopped! Then (with perfect timing) my 12 year old comes into the bathroom. “Dude, what happened?!”Ā  So I’ve banned everyone from that bathroom until I can buy another fill valve thingie in the next couple of days.So IĀ haveĀ a headache from my ordealĀ and was totally bitchy forĀ about 15 minutes afterwards,Ā but overall, Ā the new contraption looks great!!”

šŸ™‚

Iā€™m a horrible daughter

Going through an old box my mother kept labeled “J’s Stuff.” I thought it was just my baby book and letters from camp..shit like that. But apparently she kept everything. Like old birthday cards and report cards, and hate mail.

When my mother and I would argue, like really argue, we’d stop speaking for awhile. Sometimes only a few hours, sometimes days, and since we weren’t speaking, we’d write letters or notes back and forth. Basically how I disappointed her in some kind of way and my smart ass remarks in response back.

I’m only now realizing what a horrible daughter I was. Reading some of those notes and remarks that I made I am mortified that she ever had to read those. I can’t imagine how awful it made her feel, I can’t imagine the heartbreak I induced with my words. I am fully in tears right now and I can’t imagine that I made her cry with the things I said.

And she kept these. Why?

We always had a great relationship. I had…still have… friends who are jealous of how fucking fantastic our relationship was.

I don’t even remember writing these awful hateful things. I obviously would never say them to her face, and she always told me when I was angry to write things down, but I can honestly say that I never thought I was capable of giving anything like that to her. To do something that hurt her on purpose.

I was 16 at the time this letter was written and I remember ages 16-17 1/2 were my worst years. I ran away and came back. I was bitchy all the time. Disrespectful even.

I remember, as an adult, apologizing to her for this timeframe of stupidity and stubbornness. She accepted my apology and we cried and we laughed thinking back at all the bullshit, and I was genuinely happy that we could look back on it. That it was in the past and could stay in the past.

I am disappointed in myself.

And even though I’ve already apologized once for a general time period, I can never apologize for this letter I found, because she’s not around to hear it. 12 years, 10 months and 3 weeks ago was the hardest day of my life.

I know in my heart of hearts that she loved me. All of me. For all time. And that she accepted my apology wholeheartedly as well.

But there is no way I can forgive myself.

I am a horrible daughter.